Not Not Tonight Honey

Marital Rape is not about sex negotiations in marriage–it’s about long term violence, bullying and abuse.

Outside of a Singapore marriage, rape is punished more severely than physical abuse–inside a Singapore marriage physical abuse is–well–frowned upon when/if -ever it surfaces and marital rape (like lesbians) doesn’t exist.

Talking about marital rape to friends here in Singapore–“What do you think of marital rape?”

The single males (3–one straight, two gay) said “the woman can just enjoy the sex and later get mad at the husband and call it rape right?”

The married male said “It’s not possible”

The single females (2–both straight) said 1) “Maybe she’s the nagging possessive sort lah,” “A woman can just get angry and then claim husband raped her right?” (note–there was no particular woman in this case yet ‘she’ got the blame) 2) “Guess it’s like long term date rape,”

The married female said, “I don’t believe it. Why would anyone stay with a guy like that?”

These are all great responses because they are responses.

Victims of marital rape very likely wouldn’t get a chance to respond–it’s more like an isolated hostage situation with sexual as well as physical abuse. As Hidden Hurt points out,

Stranger rape is usually a one-off, someone you don’t know, with whom you don’t share any experiences or history. When the assault happens, there can be no doubt as to what is happening: that it is Rape (though even in such situations the victim will often wonder what she has done to precipitate the assault and will blame herself). In marital rape the circumstances are very different. It is – quite apart from a physical and sexual violation – a betrayal of trust. Here is a person whom you thought you knew intimately, with whom you share a history, a home and quite often children. Here is a person whom you have made love to on a frequent basis often over many years, with whom you have shared your most intimate secrets and fears, and whom you believe to love you, want the best for you, who would never intentionally hurt you. Marital rape is so destructive because it betrays the fundamental basis of the marital relationship, because it questions every understanding you have not only of your partner and the marriage, but of yourself. You end up feeling betrayed, humiliated and, above all, very confused.

If you are fortunate enough not to be able to imagine such a situation, please spare a moment to help those trapped in it.

Research seems to indicate that in the context of an abusive relationship, the woman is most likely to be subjected to rape towards the end of the relationship, or after she has left, though several women have reported that their boyfriends raped them at the very beginning of their relationship – which is reminiscent of the ancient custom of capturing and raping women to be able to claim them as wives. It would appear that where rape starts in an established relationship, that rape is often used by an abuser when other control tactics, such as isolation or emotional abuse are no longer sufficient to maintain his power and hold over her, or to punish her for either leaving or trying to leave. Only too often, this works.

–Hidden Hurt

Please take a look at this petition.

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One Response

  1. Thank you for the post!

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