Resurrection or Life Change?

That’s what it feels like right now.

I haven’t been reading any of my reading list books–

–but strangely enough have been absorbed in children’s books. I’d forgotten how wonderfully evocative & non-condescending Noel Streatfeild & Edith Nesbit are & I’m really loving Wind in the Willows right now.

I know–some people turn to comfort food, me I need my comfort reading!

They’re very inspiring as people-writers too (though yes, I was introduced to the idea of writing & reading ‘discipline’ if I wanted to grow up a real writer as a preteen reading ‘Apple Bough’).

Noel Streatfeild said in an interview somewhere that she had to ‘know’ her characters for at least a year before she was ready to write about them and Edith Nesbit was a founder member of the Fabian Society & bizarrely I started reading Shaw’s plays because of this connection.

Less ‘fun’ reading–have been reading The New Yorker & Time mags too. Most sticky-tragic was the review of The Vagrants by Li Yiyun based on the true & tragic story of the public execution of a 28 year old revolutionary (who had been in prison for the past 10 years) & who could not speak out at her public denunciation because her vocal cords had been cut & whose kidneys were harvested for an ailing party official before she was shot.

This is a book I know I should read & want to have read rather than want to read.

Almost 2 weeks off regular yoga/gym/meditation hasn’t helped the going nowhere feeling either.

I’ve canceled 2 writing for $ projects (because I can afford to right now so I want to focus on things I really want to do)  & opted out of volunteer work for 3 months. (Why? Because I can. Sorry, I really don’t have a better reason)

But perhaps oddly I”m feeling very good, like suddenly now a standard I was never conscious of trying to assess myself against is gone. Is this what growing is supposed to be like? Feeling freedom of choice & strength & flexibility?

Yes, my mother & 2 cats are dead but I’m suddenly more alive–or more aware of being alive–than I’ve been in a long time!

& feeling self-indulgent too–I now own a Wii console & balance board… & on a totally different front, a Braun combimax & a hand vacuum (for the car–toted the cats’ baskets, carriers blankets, unopened bags of litter & KD etc to SPCA & while I thought I’d cleaned everything up good a lot of dust left behind…) & I’ve been writing by hand again–

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4 Responses

  1. thanks for commenting, fang–

    Actually my biggest ‘freedom’ now is from the once daily routine of steaming & de-boning fish, three meals daily (with 3 sets of meds & supplements) cleaning of litter & up to 3 pee & pooh ‘accidents’ an evening…Coming home/ getting someone to come over to check on them every few hours has been a routine since the cats’ health started deteriorating. I loved them, took my commitment to their welfare seriously & their passing has made more of a difference to me than my mother’s in terms of time, $$ & daily stress.

    but wow, from your response I’m guessing you identify as a mum/had an ‘interesting’ relationship with your own mother/have been through a Focus on the Family course! Btw please don’t call my mother’s death (if I understand your comment correctly) a tragedy–it came as a great relief & release to us & to her.

    Thanks, darkorph. Yes, it is a very powerful & wonderful feeling–I can go back to reading/writing in cafes & with what’s saved on vet, med & special diet foods I can focus on ‘real’ rather than $ writing!
    Yes, I miss them. Yes, I wish I had spent more time with them. But I’m going to go with this great flow now!

  2. “I’m suddenly more alive–or more aware of being alive–than I’ve been in a long time!”

    That sounds like a powerful feeling.

    I wish you well.

  3. i think it is a God-given nature of parents to wish, to pray that their children will turn out well, & mostly importantly, above all things, to be at peace. To see the one they love- tortured & in anguish (especially when you’re always their little girl in their hearts) can be heart wrenching. Love is always the motivating push , though maybe actions to “rescue” may not correspond well. It is sad when the child perceives their parents as the one who is a hindrance to their peace rather than the one who wishes them well. Self condemnation can be so subtle. Freedom from this needs divine intervention. That came more than 2000 yrs ago…

    This freedom could have come earlier, & not brought about by a tragedy. There is still one left. shalom.

  4. This blog’s great!! Thanks :).

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