Dragons of Achievement

Got some interesting feedback–I would say on one level coming from the God/the universe/the-teacher-who-appears-when-the-student-is-ready but on a more realistic level from Su… that I’m afraid of completing projects because I fear the dragons that may be out there in unknown territory (much safer playing here in the schoolhouse).

The dragon metaphor caught my attention last night though it probably wouldn’t have at any other time because I’ve been raising my own dragon–yes–on Facebook.

My dragon is named Zazar and for the first few days/weeks of little Zazar’s hatchling existence I kept her safe in her cave and only took her out to hunt for food & hunt for treasure… don’t want to get hurt, do you little dragon? But then I realised that this is a game & dragons are supposed to fight in this game. So I’ve been letting Zazar ‘fight’ other dragons online… and it’s been fun! I like it when she wins and to my amazement neither of us dies when she loses! I didn’t realise till now how hung up I’ve been on not getting hurt, not getting into fights, not even letting my fantasy dragon go into battle…

And on some level (the Su analysis) I’ve been afraid that once I achieve something, new & unfamiliar markers will be set up & I prefer to stay within my comfort zone/classroom where it’s safe. Looking back it could be true to some degree. Why did I give up on my thesis when it reached the ‘just make these final corrections’ stage? Why didn’t I follow through on getting a Class 2? Failing once is no big deal (well, you can tell yourself they may take away your 2A if you can’t pass your 2 but legally they can’t, right?) Why am I having so much trouble with more elementary poses (chakrasana, rolling) that I was flowing into fairly decently just months ago–and why am I having such mental hang ups about doing drop backs? I know I can do them. I’ve done them when Celeste is standing by playing drill sergeant–physically it’s not a problem, it’s psychological. As long as I’m more scared of her than of breaking my neck I can do it. So why can’t I do it on my own? Because I’m afraid of leaving the ‘classroom’ and graduating to Intermediate Series? But that’s what I want isn’t it? On the surface, yes. But on a lower level, will I still be able to say I’m just doing yoga ‘for fun’? And all the manuscripts I’ve got that are ‘finished’ but that I’m just not ‘ready’ to send out? As soon as someone shows interest in something I feel I’ve got to tear it up & start all over again from scratch… it’s not wanting to let my dragon out to be attacked by other dragons…

The dragons are not necessarily huge & firebreathing. I imagine that like dragon flies, they can be little projects I want to complete but never quite get round to finishing off. I want to see my projects more like I see my Facebook Zazar. I’ll feed them & send them out to battle & know they won’t die if they’re unsuccessful, but also that I shouldn’t overdo things (I only get 20 moves with Zazar a day & each ‘attack’ takes 12 hours… rather like sending in a script/story submission, you have time to sit back & wait & clean your fishtank while waiting for the results).

Su also suggested I play class clown because I’m ashamed of thinking I’m smart (don’t entirely agree with this–) and that I have mild Asperger’s Syndrome (not exactly news to me). But I really appreciated the dragons insight.

Hope Concert on Thursday night at 7.30 pm. Meeting Zoe & Peggy for dinner at 6pm first–none of us knows where the Telok Ayer People’s Auditorium is, but even we should be able to find it in one & a half hours!

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