I just signed up for the John Scott Workshop 30 June to 2 July!!!

This is so great because the last time he was in Singapore (about one & a half years ago) I was having trouble walking & he let me sit in a corner & audit the sessions for free!

Self-practice with one or two mysore sessions a week is doing me good, I think.
Where I was previously I ‘needed’ the daily mysore sessions at Pure but then the hassle of 20 min drive there, 20 min back & parking & hyper-aggressive sales team started to outweigh the ‘pros’ of great teacher & great practice mates. Also I was focusing on the wrong things, I realise–being a ‘good girl’ for showing up on the mat/hoping to gain approval & new asanas/ rather than focusing on my breathing & practice.

Now I am reading my body better… & I do what I’m ready for. For an approval seeker like me it’s a big step.

(plus I can practice in my knickers & go straight into the shower after savasana & a snack!)

The Conversations With God book that Bian recommended has made me think too. What do I really want–not in the past or in the future but right now. It sounds impossible but two evenings before I had prayed–if it’s possible, just show me what to do in a way I can understand–now I’m just going with “I’ll take this as it is, without judgement & if it’s wrong for me I can count on God to set me right”

I may be wrong, but just as I realise how much stronger & focused in practice I have become since leaving Pure–(well, my membership expires in June but I haven’t been back since Anita’s last aggressive hard sell attack popped up in the middle of mysore practice!)–in the same way it may be time for me to move away from the comfort zone of ‘group’ worship.

Myanmar-over 38,000 deaths and expecting rains & flooding to make things worse.
Suchou-over 60,000 people still unaccounted for (my late grandmother was from Sichuan).

I can’t even process something this big, so breaking it down into manageable components: it’s people who sent their children (often an only son or only daughter–remember this is a poor part of China) ’safely’ to school and towards a good future and now don’t know whether they are alive or dead. They have no more homes to go back to and fathers are crying over old photographs and mothers are still walking through rubble (rubble sounds small but these are enormous chunks of buildings too immense to push over even if your child’s foot is sticking out from beneath it) calling calling calling even after so many days.

But sitting frozen in stunned mode doesn’t help. We send prayers & donations and move on.

Why did this happen?
Earthquakes & cyclones happen. This was an earthquake zone–high probability zone in fact. There were building regulations in place. Problem is (probably) local contractors were so far from the capital that corners were cut to save money & no one saw the consequences till now.

We don’t have problems here, just fussing over whether or not foreign domestic maids are entitled to one day off a week.

Keith Lin wrote a comment piece on it in this morning’s ST that points out the petty short-sightedness of employers who worry about their $5,000 security deposit:

He points out:
If your maid gets pregnant, her Work Permit will get revoked & she’ll get sent home, you don’t lose your deposit which is only at risk if your maid goes missing. And even then, if she is found & repatriated within a month you don’t forfeit your bond. Plus if she is located within 3 months, you can appeal against the forfeiture. But most importantly for those worried, there are insurance schemes–an employer covered by these need pay only $250 of the $5000 in the event of a maid disappearing.

He also points out that last year 63 maids ran away and so did 430 children–but you don’t confine your children at home all week.
Plus most children don’t have to deal with culture shock, language problems and homesickness.

I know–just using that as a distraction.

And another ‘distraction’ that came in this morning’s mail. I had told Clarence after last week’s sermon that I did not consider myself ‘marginalised’. I got this reply this morning, sent to me & the rest of the church:

Thanks Ovidia and all for your comments.

Marginalization: I am not a big believer in listening only to the
ground. The experience of marginalization is often not felt by the
marginalized because of the internalization of the marginalizer.
That is why many gay people actually do not see their own trauma
from the marginalization which manifests itself as homophobia,
misogyny or androgyny. Therefore one key role the church plays is
that of conscientization – where in the larger community of faith in
our engagement with one another awakens within ourselves the
awareness of various ways in which the marginalizer’s voice has been
internalized. As we become aware of these voices we can then act to
correct them. Amongst others, this voice is internalized into us in
the forms of:

Internalized homophobia
Misogyny
Androgyny
Heterophobia
Defensive mechanisms we used to protect ourselves which are no
longer of use.

So the fact that we did not feel marginalized does not mean we
weren’t and more importantly does not mean that we do not live out
the marginalization.

He follows this up with an anecdote on how he did couples counselling (apparently he told a guy that if his partner was going for an overseas job interview he ought to go with him & make a joint decision) to illustrate how ‘marginalized’ we all are (???)

I must admit my first reaction was to say I’m out of this church, if they are going to assume I’m marginalized whether I feel it or not (if you feel marginalized, you are. If you don’t feel marginalized it must be because you don’t see it, and therefore you are not only marginalized but have internalized it & are living it out)

I don’t know what I’m meant to do now. I don’t want to leave FCC but 1) I don’t want to fight in church 2) I don’t want to pretend I’m something I not–and does remaining silent mean I accept the label of ‘Internally marginalized but denying it?’

I know–the other voice inside me says you can always find out when he’s speaking and go away. I did that for the last, but this time 1) Susan said being part of FCC is being committed to a community, not picking & choosing which parts of it we want to support (& I believe & I agree with her) plus 2) It was migrant workers donation week & I had stuff to bring in.

Yes, I could just continue as before. But apparently he’s getting mail on how that was ‘another great sermon’ and ‘the best yet’ which makes me think, if I am the only one there who feels this way, it is being part of FCC that is making me a marginalized minority, not being gay, because this is the only place where people have insisted I must be seeing myself as ‘marginalized’ whether or not it shows up in my feelings, actions or friends.

Rats–I was going to write about the great mysore class I went to yesterday. How balance comes when you focus on breathing (I’ve been breathing too shallowly, should feel it in my rib cage–expanding & rising, contracting & lowering) and drishti; and yes it is coming, along with my ‘hovering’ before landing after vinyasas.

Reminder: don’t read email before morning writing!

Since dear Yogamum’s going with her story option #1, I’m putting down my version of what #3 could have been…

(sorry Yogamum, your posts triggered so many ideas!)

Why Ricky decided we needed to hunt and eat a squirrel, I’ll never know. But that was when all the trouble started. The fattest squirrels are over where the Vertical Ones live, and we normally stay away from them. Once we got through the fence Kayla got wind of what we were doing and decided she wanted to hunt squirrel too, so she came through as well. Well–Ricky and Kayla got into a bit of a tangle and I couldn’t figure out whether to try to sort them out or bite them both or go hunt squirrel on my own… but by then they were getting all knotted together and a Vertical One started taking photographs which is when Ricky and I decided to get out of there.
Kayla stayed on for a bit. Later she told us the Vertical One invited her in for tea and cookies and they agreed that if we never never hunt squirrel in that yard again, the Vertical Ones will never hunt squirrel in our territory.
Which seems fair enough, I guess.
Except Ricky never got his squirrel…

Stay-at-home mothers should be paid $23,000 a month if you consider all the jobs they do.

For the same ‘jobs’ we pay domestic maids between $350 & $550 a month. Home driver maybe $300 a month.

Total: $850, round it up to $900 a month… maybe even to $1000 a month.
why does stay-at-home mum get ‘entitled’ to $22,000 more?

Or why are maids (because foreigners?) & drivers (because mostly retirees?) worth so much less than our pampered stay-at-home mom-tai tais?

On parents not using child-seats in cars (more children aged one to 14 die from accidents such as car crashes than any other cause). M. Chew says her sons

‘are very active and will scream if I strap them into child seats.’

and

Her sons even play below the steering wheel area while she drives

and ultimately, if anything goes wrong?
Apparently parents blame the ‘

lack of brochures and public education on child seats’

in other words, it’s always somebody else’s fault. For not stuffing the available information I need down my throat.

First we grumble that there are too many rules and regulations here. Then we gripe that we need more rules–even things like child seats we want taken out of our hands & legislated into law.

Finally, in the face of rising global concern–sorry, I mean against the tide of rising global concern–the consumption of sharksfin went up last year. Singaporeans swallowed 472 tonnes of shark’s fin, almost 3 times the figure in 2006.

Yes, there are more conscious couples holding wedding banquets sans dead sharks but it seems the majority are going with–’it’s for the parents’ (quoting Lew Wei Qing who claims to be against consuming shark’s fin but will have it at her wedding dinner). Again, passing the buck. Someone else’s fault/responsibility. I’m just the innocent bride to be/mom driver bedecked in diamonds driving screaming kids around without a car-seat don’t blame me for any decision that turns out badly.

It’s all someone else’s fault. If not because they didn’t inform me/make it law to protect me, then because

To quote Mr K. Vee, a 27 year old sales executive who is touted as ‘probably speaks for most people’

It is the same for the other animals you eat. If you see people killing chickens at the market by splitting them at the neck, do you stop eating KFC?

Yes.

Well–sharksfin is supposed to be bad for the health too… maybe this generation of eaters will glut themselves to death.

So much for my attempt to start the week on a good note…

Because it got too long & I realised there was too much I wanted to say. So today’s 2nd post is dedicated to darkorph who just came out of hospital herself & asked alternative medicine? tcm? ayurvedic treatments that would work well with yoga?

I know–been trying to learn more about ayurvedic medicine/systems.

Problem is (no, shouldn’t call them ‘problem’) sweet Western doctors monitoring me said flatly ‘no tcm, no changing diet drastically’ because they’re concerned about fluctuating med levels in my blood.

Now I’m just eating vegetarian/macrobiotic/organic as far as I can & walking & doing yoga (which they permitted despite ‘no strenuous exertion’) but the crazy/great thing is, I’m doing much better than I’m ’supposed’ to! Recently I met (in the waiting room–meet lots of people there!) a girl whose symptoms were ‘like’ mine when we first met a couple of years back. Of course our circumstances are prob very different but she’s having trouble walking, standing for too long, eating… I tried to suggest different stuff she could try but she just kept saying ‘cannot’.

I wasn’t even suggesting drastic stuff–just gentle walking in the morning sun (which is what I did when I couldn’t sleep because of new meds) & trying to get work in editing/volunteering because even if it doesn’t bring in much $, staying home all day thinking ‘I’m sick I’m so sick’ is really really destroying.

Even counselling/therapy was a ‘cannot’ because she doesn’t believe in such things. She wants the doctors to cure her.

& I could have been her! Last time we met I was jealous of her (yes, I’ll admit it now!) because she still had 2 functioning eyes & at that time I would rather have lost a leg than an eye.
Now I realise how well the brain adapts to signals that come in & I hardly notice it. & I am very very thankful both my legs are functioning!

I don’t know whether to thank God, thank yoga, thank macrobiotics & organic veggies or thank them all–but I do–all the time I’m full of thankfulness! & today I went for another check up that told me my eyesight (what’s left anyway!) is stable–in other words, I’m doing good!!!

No more excuses, I should be working–I’m so lucky to be able to walk around & work!!!

… & told him I’ve already started taking myself off Topiramate.

This is Neuro Prof–I already told Prof K ‘unofficially’ last week & his first response was

“Does __ know?”
Me: “Not yet. He said the only way to tell whether it’s safe is to take me off and see if I have a seizure and he’s not willing to risk that,”

Whereupon dear Prof K put his palms over his ears & said “I don’t want to know I don’t want to know” in mock horror.

But he also said I HAD to tell Neuro Prof. So okay…

& I prepared myself: reasons why I want to be off this medication?
somnolence/insomnia (though with coffee, regular exercise, time in the sun I’ve adapted pretty well)
heightened susceptibility to viral infections & general infections (I’m an ashtangi–I shouldn’t be getting sick!!!)
difficulty with concentration/attention (it might just be me of course… but easier to blame the meds)
$$$ (even if I get to claim back costs it feels wrong, esp if unnecessary)

most important: I’m quite tuned in to my body. I think the other meds I’m taking have me functioning fine & I don’t think I need it any more.

I’m lucky in that there’s a whole plethora of side effects I’ve escaped so far. Even anorexia was listed as a possible side effect, but (sadly?) I didn’t see any change in weight.
And yes–this was the first anti-convulsant that worked for me. After Epilim it came as a great relief.

But Neuro Prof didn’t ask for my ‘reasons’, just my prep. Fortunately I knew better than to cold turkey myself:

I was down to a paediatric dose first–6 months, no probs.
Down to migraine management dose–6 months+, no probs.
Down to half of that (off the chart–anyway, half of the migraine dose, taken before sleep which is when most previous seizures had occurred)–1 month, no probs.

So I told him I think I’m ready. (I also told him I did it without informing him first so he wouldn’t be held responsible if something went wrong–that he wasn’t so pleased about. ANY CHANGE should have been discussed first. Well, okay…)

Actually he wasn’t angry at all, very nice about it, in fact: he said, stay on the evening dose for a week more, don’t make any changes to my other meds without getting an ‘okay’ first, no bike trip up to Thailand (or anything else stressful/risky/solitary) for 12 months…

Okay, that’s one (medication) down… and yes, this is going to work!

Okay, I may have found myself a new practice ‘home’…

Today being a public holiday I went to a new shala for the first time.

Yes, I was going to try out classes at Stanley’s place in Mosque Street but heard that he is moving soon so that doesn’t seem meant to be…

Well, the Yoga Shala is at 14 Yan Kit Road. It’s a small dedicated space & I liked the feel of it, both inside & out. It’s been so long since I was in a class that it wasn’t surprising that my balance was completely off (had trouble seeing/walking up the stairs & across the room ) but I just need to get used to the space.

And I liked it!

Natural air, neither artificially chilled nor heated. You can bring & leave your own mats there.

In my first try out mysore practice today, Teacher James Figueira corrected some very basic things for me:

navasana : What I felt was a straight back was actually over arched forwards. Demonstrating what I was doing & how it looked, then how I ought to be holding myself, he had me repeat both so I could feel the difference & yes, it did make a difference. I’ve been feeling navasana in my lower back & thought it was because I was weak there. Now I feel it in the front–thighs & pelvis.

chaturanga dandasana: he had me bend my arms more & lower myself chest first. Up till now I’ve been trying to lower as a straight ‘plank’ with bent arms. This way, lowering chest first & further, gives me the beautiful graceful scoop & swoop up to urdhva mukha svanasa that I’ve never been able to achieve before.

Mysore there is 9am on Mon, Wed, Fri, Sat, Sun & at 12 noon on Tue & Thur. I have ‘puja’ & work on Mon & Tue so no can do, but I’m going to try 2X week, perhaps working up to 3X after the worst of the marking is over?

Best of this place is, he’s very encouraging of daily home practice & said he’ll give us stuff to focus on when we come in.

So–I have left a manduka there. Is there greater commitment than that?

Remember what PM Lee Hsien Loong said at the 377A debate (on why oral & anal sex between heterosexuals must be legalised but not any sex between homosexuals… personally I’m still not sure why it was so important to all those anal heterosexuals to get 377 revoked. I mean, it’s been a long time since this law was enforced so why not just penetrate in private instead of making such a big deal? You’re afraid such a law on our books makes us look bad? Backward? Archaic? And anal heterosexuals are in the majority here so their interests must be respected?)

Sorry, got sidetracked… anyway, in case you don’t remember what the PM said, here it is:

Stressing yet again that Singapore is still a conservative society that values the conventional family unit, Mr Lee said what’s needed is to ’strike a balance’.

‘We will stay one step behind the frontline of change… Watch how things work out elsewhere, before making any irrevocable moves.

‘We were right to uphold the family unit when Western countries went for experimental lifestyles in the 1960s. We are right to accomodate homosexuals in our society, but not to encourage activists to champion gay rights the way they do in the West.’

His bottomline: ‘Let us keep this balance and leave S377A alone.’

Being accommodated in Singapore apparently means our private private premises are open to ’spot-check’ complete with hand-cuffing, squad cars with flashing lights, id & passport checks… see Yish’s site for a collection of first person reports.

Is this the kind of ‘balance’ our government intends to promote? While selling our international competitiveness & casino space?

I wish there was some way to find out who authorized the ’spot checks’ & what they were looking for.

In the absence of any excuses/arrests it looks like the police were there just to harass & intimidate.

Which means either

1) Our government (as articulated by our PM last October) considers the harassment & intimidation of gay people part of the desirable ‘balance’

or

2) The Police were acting contrary to the stated government line.

Now if our government tacitly supports them by keeping quiet/ignoring these incidents it shows we have nothing to gain by shutting up & behaving–because their idea of balance is to say the right thing in public (to the world reporters at least) while bullying those whose hands are still tied behind their backs with 377A

The programme was first highlighted by a Bennie Cheok who wrote to the press complaining that “the absence of the opposite gender in the family nucleus will, no doubt, leave young viewers bewildered” and urged the broadcaster to “be more selective.”

In Bennie Cheok’s convoluted language, he/she is really saying it’s better to lie to ‘young viewers’–

“Children, gay people don’t exist”

I thought ignorance & ‘bewilderment’ in children/people was best treated with information & explanation.

To the Bennie Cheoks among us it seems ‘bewilderment’ is best replaced with blanket ignorance.

Please note the tendency of such characters to act on behalf of others–dear Bennie does not say he/she was ‘bewildered’ but worries about the ‘bewilderment’ in young children…

Apparently he/she either has no confidence in his/her ability to explain his/her values to his/her own children or has decided to act on behalf of everyone else & their children.

This was the initial official response to our favourite straw-up-nose lady who also brought up the episode (In parliament no less. When she submitted her application for the post of NMP did she see it as her calling to help Singapore’s people by increasing national blindness?)

In response, the Senior Minister of State for Information, Communication and the Arts, Balaji Sadasivan, said that the gay relationship was merely an “incidental feature” of the programme, and that Singaporeans would “need to take a balanced view.”

But now it seems that to our authorities ‘a balanced view’ of this ‘incidental feature’ carries a $15K penalty.

So this was to warn our media to never never never risk hinting at the existence of gay people?
(wait a minute–I thought we were opening up? Oh, I see… that only applies to gambling and sex shows–remember the disaster of the tired old “Crazy Horses’–because that brings lots of $$ in)

On the other hand, if you are a straight rich woman married to a straight rich tycoon you get to slap all the air stewardesses you want in Business Class on SIA & the court lets you off with a metaphorical slap on the wrist…

The lesson here is: We are a democratic society. Based on justice and EQUITIES.

(Warning: skittish unedited ditsy reflection post. Read at your own risk)

Which is what tends to happen around birthdays right?

I didn’t have time around the actual day. Excuse: I’ve been learning to use new phone, trying out new running shoes & cross trainers (my extra wide but small sized men’s shoes are hard to find here. I thought my current pairs were fine but once I tried the new ones… okay, shoes do wear out!!!) and, embarrassingly, playing two ecologically themed games… on a PSP.

& of course setting out all my lovely candles & finally finally finally getting to try out my aromatherapy stick set… (!! if you read this you know i’m talking to you!!)

But I was going to write about ’serious’ life assessment.

Without wanting to contradict the guys who wish me (& everyone else) ‘Happy 18′ & ‘Happy 21′, I do think there’s more than numbers to summing up where we are in life.

Since I’m 47 now, this means I’m in my 48th year of life. I get flashes of horror ‘Omigod, that’s nearly 50!’ & don’t now how I got here.

On the other hand, things are going so much better for me now than at any earlier stage in my life.

Like if I look at my 48th year as the 3rd time I turn 16…

The first time I was 16 years old, I was in Secondary 4 in MGS.

At that time I suppose I was content enough. I was a good student–strong in maths & science as well as having enough language skills to let me coast through other subjects without much effort. I had a corner seat right at the back of the class. In front of me was Waichun (who’s somewhere in Europe now, I believe.)
on my right Ingaborg & then Sirinuk. Haven’t seen either of them since leaving school.

Looking back though, school was pretty dreadful. Can you believe I spent 10 years in that school without using the toilets once because I was afraid of falling down in there?

Okay, maybe I’m the object in there that was dreadful. But I was also very good at passing for normal. I was very ‘Christian’ & remember girls calling each other to pray against ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’ coming to Singapore because it was the work of the devil. But at the same time I was terrified of dying, or rather of non-existence because I simply couldn’t understand the How of God & afterlife… & being terrified meant lack of faith which meant that even if God could pull off His Existence I wouldn’t be welcome in His mansions… this side didn’t show, though. I had perfect attendance at Sunday School, sang in the choir, was the nerd geek who handed in science projects on viruses (hey, Singapore just got our first electron microscope around then–it was exciting!) when other girls were studying ‘local flowers’ or ‘edible roots’.

2nd time I ‘turned’ 16… at 32 years old I was editor of a magazine with a big office, a red Citroen (& a Kawasaki Vulcan), apartment with live-in partner, 4 cats… I thought I was set up for life. And at that point, if I thought about it, it was the life I wanted. Except I didn’t have the time to think about it. I thought I was happy then too. I thought that being realistic & practical meant not thinking about stuff like ‘happiness’ because there was just no time.

I was going to the gym because it was routine. Even reading was routine. Yes, I was still writing but–okay, looking back I’m very glad I had that time. I learned a lot there & met some really great people. But again, it’s not where I would want to spend my life.

And now, moving into the 3rd time I turn ‘16′. When I turn 48 next year, I see myself continuing on the path I’m on now. I feel healthier & more balanced here than at any earlier point in my life. I still don’t have a clear sense of God or how or where or how dare I relate to Him/Her/Supreme Being but I know that it is all right to go on looking because that’s the way I was created.

If I believe the right yoga teacher will appear when I am ready, the least I can do is believe the same of God.

Could I have found this grace if I’d known where to look earlier? I don’t know.

It’s also possible that looking back from the vantage point of 64 years (if I live that long) where I am now will also seem immature & searching.

Even that will be good. The worst, I think, would be to look back and wish myself back because of what I have lost.

So far I’ve been very blessed/fortunate/fucking lucky–I’m growing, I’m gaining, I’m grateful.